Monthly Archives: October 2007

This Is Not The Aquarius Guide To Compatibility

Dear Aquarius:

As you may have noticed, I’ve been doing a series on how the signs perform in their relationships with other signs. People seem to like this sort of thing, and admittedly relationship issues are the one thing I come across most often in the course of my profession. I have to admit, though: I was a little stumped as to what kind of approach to take with Aquarius. Frankly, I’m not the only one, as you may have noticed yourself.

An Aquarius is born with the knowledge (on some level) that the individual differences between us are like different songs playing on different radio stations at the same time. Even though you can only listen to one station at a time, you (above all others) realize that the same air is being pierced by hundreds of signals at hundreds of frequencies… each one carrying unique sounds. You are born knowing that, whereas most of the rest of us never even catch on that such a thing is happening all around us, all the time.

You have the same heart and feelings that everyone else does. The problem isn’t you, in a sense: it’s everyone else. Have you ever read what they say about you? That’s you’re so aloof and weird that it’s hard to make a relationship work with you? What a load of crap. The big problem anyone has with a relationship with an Aquarius is that the others aren’t used to listening to all those higher frequencies, literally or figuratively, like you were born to do.

Find a way to explain that to your partner in a language they understand, and all will be well.

Sure, I could give you the quick and dirty lowdown on how this man or that woman works with you. If I did, it would look kind of like this…

Aries: Fun but not always dependable or stable for you.
Taurus: Dependable and stable but sometimes not that much fun for you.
Gemini: Intellectually interesting but emotionally scattered. At least, by your standards.
Cancer: Emotionally interesting but intellectually scattered. At least, by your standards.
Leo: Fun, but wants to fight you for top billing. At least, by your standards.
Virgo: Caring but a little too conventional. At least, by your standards.
Libra: Sweet but unchallenging, or too challenging in their refusal to challenge you. At least, by your standards.
Scorpio: Emotionally intense, but doesn’t know when to detach. At least, by your standards.
Sagittarius: A fun partner, but goes off on different tangents than yours. At least, by your standards.
Capricorn: Has emotional depth, but has a different game plan laid out than you do. At least, by your standards.
Aquarius: Beats the hell outta me! And that’s by anyone’s standards.
Pisces: Pleasantly mushy, yet unpleasantly mushy. At least, by your standards.

…and I could ornament it with some jokes and a funny picture, and we’d all have a good laugh. But none of that would actually address why you’ve come looking for a compatibility guide, would it? I suggest being Aquarian with this, and leap to the conclusion the rest of us would struggle a little longer to make: if you have a problem with X, go read X‘s entry in this series.

So: Let the Cancers and the Virgos and the Aries and such have their compatibility guides. Me? I’d rather give you something new and unique that you could really use.

Would you like a hug?

.

Astrology For Life On Earth

Your Attention Please: The Capricorn Guide To Compatibility

Comrades:


Certain forces have conspired to, at times, deny Capricorn the love and romance that Capricorn requires to function as a powerful, independent entity. In order to more efficiently address this matter, you have all been assigned to one of twelve cadres. You will receive your final score when you return home, or to the factory, or to Re-Education Camp, where you will have a glorious time supporting our future triumph over the forces of solitude.

Aries: Your fire and passion are admirable, but it’s so uncontrolled and undisciplined that there’s a constant risk of you burning down what we’ve built. Go to the camp.

Taurus: Solid, dependable worker. Excellent at following the Party Line, but your focus on the comforts of life… including a slight tendency to stray… is worrisome. You may return to your home.

Gemini: Scattered. I have a hard time believing that you believe in the goals of The Party, given your fondness for enemy propaganda. Your charm is lovely, but it also makes me suspicious. Report to Camp!

Cancer: Sweet, moody, and defensive, just like me. With time and discipline, you could make Chairman. Just watch the overreacting with distance when I overreact to you with distance. Report to home…. and bake me cookies.

Leo: Completely counter-revolutionary. I understand the need to keep the troops entertained, but I always feel like the Andrews Sisters are still on stage with you when it’s time to charge the enemy hill instead. You know where we could use talent like that? Camp!

Virgo: Excellent quality. Stable, intelligent, and efficient. However, you tendency to worry is worrisome to me, and makes me question your loyalty. But I know you don’t mean it. Return home anyway, with an escort from Security.

Libra: Decadent! Completely unfocused on anything of real value to The Party. All this romance and sweetness is merely a cover for your desire to not take things seriously. The appearance of not taking it seriously enough is equivalent to lack of seriousness. Thoughtcrime! Report to Camp!

Scorpio: I admire your intensity, and how well-armed you are. That intensity can be worrisome though: it makes you prone to lashing out. A little time in the factory sewing cheap exports will perfect you. Once you’ve learned you’re lesson… full parole.

Sagittarius: Once again, entertainment value is no substitute for ideological commitment. You have ideology certainly… it just isn’t mine. And what you do have is shamefully disorganized. Thank you for the attempt at amusement. Camp!

Capricorn: Solid and dependable, just like me. Secretly sweet too… just like me. Truly an equal. the only problem here: do you recall being told this was a democracy? No, neither do I. Allow me to demonstrate. Go to the factory!

Aquarius: We’re so completely different that it’s hard to see how you can fit into the society I have planned for you. But you’re dedicated to a higher goal too, so you may report to the factory. But sit right under Surveillance Camera Twelve.

Pisces: Your emotionality isn’t my usual style, but this foreign technology called “compassion” you possess is of great interest to The Party. In time, it could be forged into a powerful weapon of romantic victory. Report to home, and stand by for further compliance.

There will now be a period of illustrative musical entertainment. You are instructed to enjoy this.

.


Astrology For Life On Earth

They’re Off And Running! The Sagittarius Guide To Compatibility

Sagittariuses are always being accused of treating their love lives as if they were a sporting event, rather than like love lives. And why not? There’s anticipation, competition, and… more often than not… someone loses. So in that spirit, here’s the handy Sagittarius race card for who’s in the running, with odds of a win. No horse in this race is a guaranteed winner, but some bets are a lot safer than others. Then again, no guts, no glory…

Here are today’s odds on a winning relationship for you, Sag:

Aries and Leo (3:2 odds): A fairly safe bet. Popular favourites, both these Fire signs have the sport you require. You may find Aries is awfully hard to steer into the chute, and Leo is sometimes more interested in being a show pony than a race winner.

Gemini (3:1 odds): Quick, responsive, and sporty… much like yourself. This is a pairing that often has people saying “oh gosh, you two are perfect for each other!” The problem is that despite the horseplay, deep down you have a thick, chewy philosophical center. You may never get past the sneaking suspicion that, with Gemini, it’s question marks all the way down…

Libra and Aquarius (4:1 odds): Both good bets, overall, with proven records of performance. Generally pleasant to get along with. Libra sometimes has a preference for standing there are just looking pretty when the bell rings. Aquarius is a bit of a rebel, and you like that… but sometimes it’s hard to figure out what they’re rebelling against. It may be you.

Virgo and Pisces (5:1 odds): Both unusual choices: the squares to one’s own sign aren’t where you usually look for a safe relationship bet. But both of these tend to outperform in long muddy stretches, compared to their reputations. Who knows why? You probably just love the challenge. Pisces is sometimes lacking the horse sense you require in a mate, and Virgo on a bad day? Nag, nag, nag…

Taurus (6:1 odds): A bull… not a horse. This can lend a lot of stability to a relationship… something Sagittarius usual forgets to bring to the table. Pleasant and generally kind… but if you were expecting to saddle up a Bull and get anywhere quickly… you’re in the wrong race, pal.

Cancer (8:1 odds): Jupiter rules Sagittarius, and is exalted in Cancer. Theoretically, this should make for great mutual joy and a solid philosophical relationship. The problem here is that crabs are designed to withstand accidental trampling… but they’re always waiting for it too. And you’ll provide it… probably by accident. So long, Crab.

Sagittarius (9:1 odds) SAG 1: I’m having a great time! SAG 2: Me too! Did you remember to bring the stability? SAG 1: No dude, I thought you had that covered. SAG 2: And, damn, we’re outta beer. SAG 1: It’s okay, I’ll go to the store and get more. SAG 2: You aren’t coming back, are you? SAG 1: Probably not. SAG 2: Okay. Later, dude…

Capricorn (10:1 odds): Obstinate, stubborn, and although they can have a fiery temperament, that fire doesn’t seem to be fuelling anything visible, a lot of the time. They can provide a valuable stabilizing, steering force in your life. Do you need that? Hell yeah! Do you like that? If your answer is “yes,” it’s time for the veterinarian to cut back on your tranquilizers.

Scorpio (15:1 odds): They have all the intensity and focus you lack. Of course, you never really asked for intensity and focus. or you did, and it just isn’t your style. They like sex though, and you do too. A sure winner… provided all the other horses break their legs first, and Scorpio doesn’t break yours.

Oh, and one more thing, Sagittarius? You’ve already got a bad enough reputation for running around on your relationships. Don’t go betting on the trifecta, okay?


Astrology For Life On Earth

Pluto. Galactic Core. Me.

For the next day or so I’d like to commend you all to the good graces of Pat Paquette’s blog, The Pisces Chronicles. She has some very intelligent sounding things to say about this weeks conjunction of Pluto with the Galactic Core.

I say “intelligent sounding” because this particular conjunction takes place closely opposite my natal Jupiter, and I’m not currently in a position to understand much of anything. Except, of course… it’s having a real effect on me personally.

See you in a few days, when my capsule lands…

Astrology For Life On Earth

CSI: Romance – The Scorpio Guide To Compatibility

There’s a mystery to be uncovered here. A blow to the heart… an intense, passionate experience causing shortness of breath, rapid irregular heartbeat, and a flood of endorphins throughout the nervous system, clouding judgement. Although it’s enticing, you can sense the ever-present spectre of danger… and that only increases your curiosity.

Congratulations! You’re a Scorpio in a relationship! Here’s what you can expect…

***

Scene: The Las Vegas Coroner’s Autopsy Room. Chief Investigator Gil Grissom and coroner Dr. Al Robbins stand over the badly-mangled body of an adult male.

DOC: Victim was a white male, approximately 35 years old, name unknown. A Scorpio.

GRISSOM: How can you tell?

DOC: We found this medallion on the victim. Also, this scorpion tattoo. Scorpios love that stuff. There’s little sign of struggle… we can presume the victim knew his assailant. Probably someone he was in a relationship with.

GRISSOM: A Taurus?

AL: That’s a common guess… but notice the large chest wound. Tauruses are steady and sensual, which would explain the relationship, but their killing technique is usually through stubbornness… refusal to budge.

GRISSOM: Another Water Sign, maybe?

AL: Good possibility of it. They have the emotional depth a Scorpio is looking for. But I’d expect the body to be more weighed down with the assailant’s emotional baggage if it was a Cancer, and there’s no mawkish sentiment filling the lungs, so it wasn’t the usual Pisces drowning.

GRISSOM: It could have been a Capricorn.

AL: Yes. Scorpio’s seem to find them sexy, but there’s limited bruising here. Capricorn usually kill their partners by battering them to death with their inflexibility. Like Taurus, only edgier.

GRISSOM: An Aries, maybe? They’re both Mars-ruled, they both love excitement…

AL: And Aries doesn’t usually have the patience for Scorpio’s caution and analysis. Although admittedly the passion and potential violence of Aries and Scorpio together is noteworthy.


GRISSOM: It could have been another Scorpio.

AL: I doubt it. They cling on to each other passionately enough, but Scorpios usually bury their flaws… and their victims… deep enough for no one to find them until it’s too late. This guy was found on his couch. Notice the tissue under the victims fingernails: it matches the scarring around the ears. It’s self-inflicted.

GRISSOM: Like he was trying to claw out his own eardrums. Maybe a Gemini or a Virgo, then. Scorpio’s love watching the thought processes those two have, until the talking has gone on too long.

AL: Good point. But I’m not sure a relationship with a Gemini would have the depth our vic was looking for, and the vic’s eardrums aren’t swollen from the debating. I did a swab of the genitals… no recent sign of sexual activity. Scorpios usually go ape for Virgos that way. Death by nagging is the Virgo style, though.

GRISSOM: Sagittarius? Libra?

AL: They both have their charms, but I’m not sure either one has the depth Scorpio is looking for. At least they don’t usually act like it enough to Scorpio’s liking. No glucose poisoning, which is Libra’s usual m.o., and no hoof marks from a Sagittarius stampeding away, which they usually do quickly.

GRISSOM: I suppose the logical place to look then would be with Scorpio’s least compatible signs… Leo and Aquarius.

AL: Aquarius is usually too hard to pin down for a Scorpio… which can be intriguing, but Aquariuses don’t usually kill off their victims so dramatically. They prefer to remove their partners through diffusion in abstract thought processes. A Leo certainly has the passion a Scorpio wants, but the Leo usually kills via self-importance and/or pomposity. I dusted for pomposity… none present.

(CSI agent SARAH SIDLE enters, waving a note)

SARAH: Gris, we found this note at the crime scene!

GRIS: You mean…?

SARAH: He did it to himself!

GRIS: We usually do, Sarah. We usually do.

.

.

Astrology For Life On Earth

True Tales Of Teen Heartbreak: The Libra Guide To Compatibility

You hear a lot that Libras are all about the romance because it’s a Venus-ruled sign. I’m not sure that’s entirely the point. I think most people are suckers for a good romance story, with all the twists and turns required for Boy to finally be with Girl. And Libras love the “love story” part of Love. That’s probably why you find so many Libras who have an interest in astrology… it’s like one of those “making of” documentaries on a romance movie DVD.

Here are the payoffs and pitfalls of Libras relationships with the other signs, expressed in terms those lovers of love will appreciate. Something that captures all the vibrancy and willful disregard for reality that Libras crave…. romance comics!

ARIES: Pretty exciting stuff. Adventurous, motivated, and straight to the point. The problem is that even the best road has a couple of unexpected potholes… and Aries is just exciting enough to make you forget to put your helmet on.

TAURUS: They love the lovin’ just as much as you do… and who couldn’t love that? The problem: you love to be loved, but not necessarily possessed, and certainly not ordered around.

GEMINI: Charming. Witty. Fun. Affectionate. There will never be any doubt in your mind that Gemini loves you, except on the days his identical twin The Jerk shows up.

CANCER: Great depth of emotion. Tremendous power when in love. But when they cling to you… or when they think you’re sneaking out to flirt with other boys… ouch!


LEO: Great fun. Terribly romantic. Irresistibly kitty-cuddly-cute when they put their mind to it. But notice how their picture is the biggest one in this article? That was Leo’s idea, baby. Get used to it.

VIRGO: Admittedly they can be charming, and the things that logical little mind of there’s can come up with are adorable. But let’s be honest: some days they just aren’t that romantic at all.

LIBRA: Okay, show of hands: how many of you out there can name a romance story you loved where two people who are completely different end up together anyway? Okay, now… how many of you can name a romance story you loved about two identical romantics who got together, everything was just great, and they spent the rest of their lives that way? Yeah, thought so. Romance is as much about the differences as it is about the similarities.

SCORPIO: Such passion! Such intensity! Such bruising when they slip and completely forget that a relationship is about compromise!

SAGITTARIUS: They’re a lot of fun. They know how to have a good time. You’ll like the playfulness. But will you ever get past that nagging notion they’re just horsing around with the relationship instead of taking it seriously?

CAPRICORN: The good news: He’s solid. He’s dependable. He’s determined and hard working. The bad news: this is the guy your Mom wanted you to marry. How appealing is that?

AQUARIUS: He has a light touch. He’s interesting, intelligent, and different. The problem here is that he’s on his own world half the time… not yours.

PISCES: What started out as a refreshing dip into the deep waters of Lake Dewey-Eyes can quickly turn into being surrounded by weird, creepy things that don’t even breathe the same way you do. And believe me… on a bad day, you’ll want to come up for air.

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The Virgo Guide To Compatibility, Within A Tolerance Of ±0.2 Millimeters

INITIAL CONDITIONS:

Humans are driven by biosocial factors to pair-bonding. Further, the efficiency of each bond (“compatibility”) is variable with each individual involved, in part due to personality-based initial conditions (“Sun Sign”). Virgo attempts to place this within a rational context and draw accurate conclusions.

HYPOTHESIS:

Virgo can find true love within the confines of an imperfect world. Based on broad personality data gathered by Sun Sign. it is projected that the relative probability of success in a pair-bond can thus be projected on an a priori basis. Each potential partner is evaluated on a scale of 0 to 1 as a function of probable incidence of harmony (on a per incidence basis).

DATA:

Taurus and Capricorn (0.8/1): Perform well under stress; high tensile shear resistance. Partner malleability is occasionally impaired when reconfiguration is required. Reconfiguration will likely be proposed based on their data set, not yours. With practice, excellent subject conformity to relationship guidelines.

Cancer and Scorpio (0.75/1): Both require some cleaning. Generally sound emotional depth, but both filter their data via emotional factors more than Virgo, and can be resistant to probing. Hardened shells may be difficult to open, but can reward the effort. Emotional slipperiness can occur. Wear rubber gloves.

Pisces (0.7): Highly sensitive to contamination, like yourself. Highly suggestible, unlike yourself. A lack of detail and definition can be frustrating to the researcher; however, emotional appeal can be highly catalytic. A great deal of net-casting is often needed to collect accurate emotional data.

Sagittarius and Virgo (0.65/1): Both signs demonstrate a sympathetic knowledge for further life data, but are likely to use entirely different experimental models than the researcher, making for potential translation problems. Theoretically shouldn’t work, but often does anyway. This requires further research.

Aries and Aquarius (0.6/1): Difficult, volatile substances which come with certain containment hazards. One is highly explosive, the other is often too neutral to form a reaction. However, once proper procedures are in place, this can (paradoxically) make long term bonding possible. Not what you expected… but possible.

Leo and Libra (0.5/1): Constantly changing emotional states lead to initial exhilaration, often followed by exhaustion on the researcher’s part. Lack of stability is made up for by shininess and willingness. Outcome of experiment difficult to predict, therefore the researcher may wish for more stable materials to work with.

Gemini (0.4/1): Comparable to positronium, an exotic matter-antimatter combination. Appealing as a potential source of tremendous energy, but likely to become explosively unstable under extensive probing. Wear safety goggles.

CONCLUSION:

Nothing in life is perfect, not even Love. Nonetheless, this knowledge does not make the issue go away. It is recommended that Virgos collect further data and reach their own conclusions in this regard.

The great Astrological Recession Buster experiment continues, with rave reviews! Click here to read more, and to join in!

Astrology For Life On Earth

Overture, Curtain Lights: The Leo Guide To Romantic Compatibility

Welcome to the twelve-screen multiplex of Love. Today we’re going to see if we can successfully hook our friend Leo up with the man/woman/movie of his/her/its dreams. And if you’re a true movie fan, you know that the right review from the right critic can improve your chance of being really entertained… despite the sticky floor and overpriced popcorn. Of course, even your favorite film critic can get it wrong once in a while… and what’s more fun than uncovering an under appreciated cinematic gem?

Tickets, please…

NOW SHOWING:

Blaze Of Love (Aries and Sagittarius): Action! Suspense! Romance! This one has it all. Aries can’t help but overact a little, and Sagittarius is all exhuberance and no technique, but with a little editing this one could have been perfect. Big thumbs up! FIVE STARS.

C’est Moi, Mon Amour (Leo): An intense and compelling tale with few flaws. The main flaw here is that the romantic leads keep acting like it’s just their movie. A bit sappy for some people’s tastes. FOUR STARS.

The Mirror Has Two Faces (Gemini and Libra): Playful and romantic. The fast-paced but occasionally erratic screenplay keeps things moving at a furious clip. The perfect way to while away an evening. Occasionally thin characterization leaves some doubt as to whether or not the energy can be maintained for the planned sequels. THREE AND A HALF STARS.

I Married A Martian (Aquarius): An obscure yet compelling opening leads the audience into a wonderland of surprises, romance, and culture clashes. The director’s detached approach can be frustrating for the summer-romance-movie crowd. The special effects are amazing, but at times you’ll crave the human element more. THREE AND A HALF STARS.

Pinchy And The Drain (Cancer): This fish-out-of-water comedy/romance/buddy movie works better than you might expect. The film bogs down at about the two-thirds point in maudlin sentimentality. Affectionate, wants to reach out to the audience, but at times you’ll wonder about character motivation, and not necessarily in a good way. THREE STARS.

The Sting III – Ouch! (Scorpio):A confused tale of a carefree organ-grinder’s monkey and the researcher who loves it, yet wants to dissect it. The two are strangely compelled to each other, and it all plays out in a painfully predictable ending. PETA protested on opening night, and you may too before it’s over. Warning: extreme gore. TWO AND A HALF STARS.

Warm Heart, Clean Fish (Virgo And Pisces): This tale of an obsessive-compulsive fishmonger and an alcoholic marine biologist starts out promising. Sometimes when a director juxtaposes two incompatible characters it’s a classic buddy movie; this one’s just all wet. Sweet, but never seems to really gel into a coherent storyline. TWO AND A HALF STARS.

Pamplona Or Bust (Taurus): Slow-paced and frustrating, yet packed with explosions and car chases. This film knows what it wants right from the opening credits and won’t let go, which is not necessarily a good thing. You’ll wonder what karma made you pick this instead of one of the comedies. A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury; signifying nothing. TWO STARS.

Death On A Glacier (Capricorn): Challenging and surprisingly complex. Not for the faint of heart. This one is a tough climb right from the start. The director seems unsympathetic to his characters, yet there is a point to it all. You just may have a hard time sitting through 90 minutes of frozen wasteland and flat dialogue to get to it. ONE STAR.

Of course, all decent movies have a character overcoming some challenge or another. And this cineplex offers twelve screens full of challenges, each different. Besides, you love movies. Even the bad ones, sometimes…




Astrology For Life On Earth

Miss Crabtree’s Old-Fashioned Grade Six Schoolmarm Guide To Cancer Compatibility

Hello, children, I’m Miss Crabtree, your Compatibility teacher this semester. We’re going to do things a little differently this year. I’m going to be handing out your grades at the start of the class, based on how easy or difficult it’s going to be for me to get along with you. Stop fidgeting, Leo! You can bring your mark up with hard work. I’m not going to just hand any of you a passing grade. Okay… I just did that with most of you. Spit that gum out, Capricorn! I’m sure I’ll enjoy this experience with all of you though, and so will you. Otherwise, you can take your sass to the Principal’s office.

Scorpio and Pisces: You pay attention in class and work well with me. Scorpio, you have a real tenacity that I appreciate, especially when it comes to me. Excellent note-taking. Watch the frustration with the tougher tests, though. And Pisces, you are just so sweet! Always a joy to have in class. Try to borrow some of Scorpio’s focus though, would you? Your attention is drifting too much. A+

Taurus and Virgo: You’re both solid, determined and reliable. You always get to class on time. Taurus, I really like your affection and sensuality, but your stubborn resistance to learning new material lost you a mark. Try harder. Virgo: nice job of showing all your work on the test papers. But could you please try to look like you’re enjoying being here more than you do? More enthusiasm, please. A

Capricorn: You’re a good solid student. My only problem is that this is Relationship class. Close your History text… I know there’s a test in an hour, but your eyes are supposed to be on me now. Me. Less seriousness, more involvement here please. B+

Leo: Honestly, I don’t understand why you’re here at all. You never focus, you’re always clowning around, and it’s very distracting. Good thing for you we find each other inexplicably adorable. Should I spell “inexplicable” for you? Your spelling is criminally sloppy. B

Gemini: Improvement needed. Your brightness always contributes to the class, but I have this strange insecure feeling you’re always looking out the window at the playground when my back is turned. And sit up straight! And turn off the IPod when I’m talking to you! C+

Sagittarius: You walk in here like you’re the teacher. Well… you aren’t. I am. Quit grinning at me like that! Are you taking this seriously? You’re always fun to have around at recess, though. It’s too bad that “recess” doesn’t count for any of your final mark. C-

Aquarius: Listen, Aquarius. This is an elective course. Quit acting like you’re here because of a court order! You look like you’re taking notes, but with that shiny new laptop of yours, you could just as easily be playing games on there. Have you heard a single thing I’ve said here? C-

Cancer: I’m too defensive? No, you’re too defensive! I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall with you sometimes. What do you mean, “I’m the brick wall?” That does it. Go to the Principal’s office. There’s only room enough here for my crabbiness. D

Aries: Aries? Aries? Has anyone here seen Aries today? Oh, there you are out on the playground. Aries, get in here!! Yes, it’s time for Relationship class. No, you’re watch isn’t right, mine is. It’s not time for PE. What? What did you just call me, you little…? D

Libra: You’re so sweet, and you normally excel at this class. Bringing me the apple was a nice touch. But when I correct you, that’s no excuse for a crying jag that disrupts the entire class. And no I’m not an “insensitive jerk” with you, Libra. Yes, I saw that note you passed Aquarius! You’re normally so good at this class, but I’m not seeing any proof of effort on your part at all. I require effort! F

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Should I Stay Or Should I Go? The Gemini Guide To Compatibility

Welcome back to the exciting final round of “Should I Stay, Or Should I Go?”

Today’s contestant, Gemini, is on the verge of walking away with the Grand Prize… true love! Now Gemini, all you have to do is answer one question correctly. The cash value of the question represents the degree of difficulty involved. Naturally, you might want to pick an easier Sign… but playing it safe all the time didn’t get you as far as it has.

LIBRA ($200): If someone wants to go the same direction you want to go, but you’re always going in two different directions at once, can they keep up?

AQUARIUS ($200): There’s no question that you can be cool and dispassionate when you want to, knowing your partner will appreciate the affection when it comes later. But what if your partner has a chill schedule of his/her own?

ARIES ($400): If a train leaves Chicago traveling east at 50 miles per hours, and you want to go west, are you going to end up under this train instead of on it?

LEO ($400): If fun and passionate meet materialistic and possessive in a dark back alley, who will win the knife fight? And are you the darkened back alley?

SAGITTARIUS ($400): If two freedom fighters team up, and one of them changes flags every other day, how long until the two freedom fighters end up shooting each other, even by accident?

GEMINI ($600): If two people manage to travel in four directions at once, will either of them end up getting anywhere together, or everywhere?

VIRGO ($600): Emotionally, is X greater than Y, if Y equals Virgo? Solve for X. Having fun yet? Didn’t think so. It’s supposed to be a romance, not a math problem.

TAURUS ($800): If slow and steady wins the race, will you get tired of the prize and want to take up poker before you get to the finish line if you’re riding a Bull?

CAPRICORN ($800): If a hot air balloon has a relative weight of -50 pounds, how many boulders will a Capricorn pile on to ground it until the balloon turns into just an empty bag that doesn’t fly?

CANCER ($800): Which lasts longer: Cancer’s ability to dive deep into the dark waters of over-emotionality, or your ability to hold your breath while they drag you down with them?

SCORPIO ($1000): How many times per day do you need to be told to mentally and verbally “get to the point” before you trade in your honeymoon tickets to Hawaii for a bus ticket to Anywhere But Here?

PISCES ($1000): (Two part question) 1) A bird may love a fish, but where would they live? 2) How long will it take two birds to either eat two fish, or drown?

Go ahead, Gemini… pick a Grand Prize question. Or. if you prefer, just spin the wheel. That approach seems to work for you too…


Astrology For Life On Earth