Scene: The Nativity. Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar gather around the Christ Child. Mary and Joseph listen intently in the background.
Balthazar: …my major concern with this birth chart is that it shows potential for conflict with authority figures. You might want to teach him to be a little more respectful of Caesar, just to be careful. At least publicly.
Caspar: Don’t be silly. He’s a revolutionary, and the world needs more of that. This Jupiter/Saturn configuration, though… could be liver trouble.
Melchior: Look at the stare on this kid. He probably has something we haven’t even heard of yet, right on the Ascendant.
Caspar: (chuckling) You and your undiscovered planets, Melchior. Seriously.
Balthazar: I think what we’re trying to say here , Mr. And Mrs…
(Looks back and forth at Mary and Joseph, who do not respond, but simply smile as if they know something the astrologers don’t)
Balthazar: …um, Carpenter, is that anyone born into this world has to cope with certain inherent limitations. And a birth chart is like a road map to all of life’s obstacles. And emotional issues!
Caspar: And medical problems!
Balthazar: So you see, although it does appear that your boy here is, in fact, some sort of a really special person, the indications are of a shortish life span… like maybe 35 years tops. And it’s going to be a struggle. Like with authority figures.
Caspar: No real signs of wealth here either. And possible death by piercing or blood loss.
Balthazar: So we really recommend relocating the birth chart. You should consider a move to Gaul, or Germania, or something.
Caspar: His relocated chart to Hispania puts Venus on the Ascendant. He’d be a lot more popular with the girls there.
(Balthazar and Caspar turn to Melchior, who has fallen silent, staring at the baby)
Caspar: Melchior, you’ve hardly said a word. By this point you’ve usually told the parents all about the baby’s future marriage and food allergies. What’s the problem?
Melchior: It’s just… the way this kid is looking at me. It’s like… it’s like He Knows Something that we don’t.
(Balthazar and Caspar laugh uproariously)
Balthazar: You’re such a cut-up, Melchior. We’re the Wise Men. We’re astrologers!
(Caspar leans in close to Melchior)
Caspar (whispering): Besides, look around dude. The kid was born with the livestock. Everyone wants to think their baby is the Greatest Thing Ever… but this one is an obvious non-starter.
Balthazar: Sorry folks, we have to move it along here. The Moon’s nearly at the Midheaven, and we have a party to work at Herod’s.