Monthly Archives: July 2009

Astro-Karaoke: Venus In Sagittarius

(To the tune of “Theme From Bonanza”)

In bounced a girl with her hair in a curl – she Saggie!
If she goes home with anyone here
I think it’s gonna be me!

Three drinks in and she’s loaded for sin – that’s Saggie!
A suggestive wink and one more drink
And to my place we go!

Hey she’s gone, left by dawn
After she rocked my world!
I thought we’d wed, where was my head? She’s Saggie!
I should have known my chances were blown
When I told her what to do…

.

It’s a reading, it’s a forecast, it’s a book… all for less than the cost of a reading! It’s Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They’re both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Astrology For Life On Earth

Ladies And Gentleman…

Jeffrey Kishner of Sasstrology.com and I are proud to announce the birth of…

Drop by and have a look!
It’s a reading, it’s a forecast, it’s a book… all for less than the cost of a reading! It’s Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They’re both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!
Astrology For Life On Earth

Saturn: The Onion Sombrero

I wrote a blog elsewhere once, wherein I used to complain about politics and pop culture and anything else that dared to wander into my snarky gaze.
One of the targets of my self-righteous fury was a particular commercial for Coke Zero. To wit:
“You may have recently been exposed to a commercial for Coke Zero involving a disembodied tongue, eyeball, and brain, debating the merits of Coke Zero while a second tongue stands in the distance and watches…
No, this is not something that happened to me on LSD. It’s a real commercial.
The thing ends with the brain breaking up the tongue/eyeball debate. He threatens to make the tongue eat dirt, and ends with this very peculiar threat to the eyeball:
“You are going to have to wear the onion sombrero. All. Day. Long. Señor.”
I’ve seen the ad several times and I can confirm that yes, the brain does say “onion sombrero.” At first I wondered if this was some slang term I simply hadn’t heard before, like “Dirty Sanchez.”
I think I have uncovered the secret of The Onion Sombrero. I think Coke is trying to launch a meme. It’s a catchy phrase, and a Google search reveals that the phrase didn’t exist prior to the commercial. And hey, if Google can’t find something, it doesn’t exist, right?”=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/meme”>
I was (and still am) of the belief that “onion sombrero” was a deliberate attempt to manufacture a “meme,” that is: a rogue bit of cultural data that takes off on its own and infects the minds of thousands, if not millions.
I have almost forgotten about this, until recently when the ad in question came back. And then I heard a teenager on the street use the term “onion sombrero” with one of his buddies.
I’ve heard various opinions as to what this vegetable headgear is… the most likely explanation I’ve heard is that it is “a contact lens.”
Personally: I’ve come to the conclusion that, astrologically at least… Saturn is the Onion Sombrero. Saturn is, literally or figuratively, something you threaten someone with. Saturn is restriction and suffering.
Of course, Saturn is also structure and order and bones and skin, without which you (literally and figuratively) wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. And, just as the phrase “onion sombrero” may have you scratching your head and saying “Wha…?,” Saturn may have you rubbing the lumps it put on your head and saying “Why me?”
So, if you see this Coke Zero ad: try not to be puzzled. The weird imagery and odd choice of words are all deliberate attempts to bamboozle your mind into buying a carbonated drink that you don’t really need.
On the other hand, if you are confronted by Saturn, remember that you do really need it, even if it isn’t very comfortable. And it will pass. And odds are good you’ll come out of the other side of a Saturn Transit a better person, one way or another.
One’s bad for your teeth. The other is good for your soul.

It’s a reading, it’s a forecast, it’s a book… all for less than the cost of a reading! It’s Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They’re both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!
Astrology For Life On Earth

Celebrity Gossip Is Wrong (Plus: Celebrity Gossip Roundup!)

First of all, my apologies to anyone famous I’ve written about here on my blog. I realize that your lives are difficult enough, what with all the staring and pointing and unreasonably huge book advances… but I know people like me don’t help. And I suppose it’s kind of rude of me to be prying into your lives and birth charts.
On the other hand, the Moon is in Scorpio today, and everyone feels like prying into other people’s business. And hey: I need the exposure.
So: here’s my Celebrity Round-Up, sorted by Celebrity in more-or-less random order. If any of you out there want me to stop, feel free to buy my book drop me a line!

It’s a reading, it’s a forecast, it’s a book… all for less than the cost of a reading! It’s Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They’re both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!
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And Now… "Astrological Cliché Corner," Starring Morgan Freeman!

One of the great frustrations of being an astrologer, at times, is the way beginners can take a few basics and jump to conclusions based on them. Like for example:
  • Geminis are not afraid to make unconventional choices with their lives, and if that Sun is ruled by a Mercury in Taurus, they are often pleasure-centered choices.
  • People with Moon in Pisces tend to make unrealistic emotional choices.
Some other astrological clichés I hate? People with Venus in Aries make impulsive, poorly-thought-out love matches for themselves… especially when that Mercury is aspected by Uranus. Or another one: people with Mars in Scorpio have powerful sex drives that can lead them to unsuitable relationships. And any Vedic astrologer might point out that someone with Jupiter in Capricorn might be more prone that the average person to marry someone of a significantly different age… and then that astrologer would immediately point out that it isn’t that simple, either.
Astrology, like life itself, is far more complex than that. Honestly: such generalizations do far more harm than good. And furthermore —
Dammit! Way to screw up my point, Morgan Freeman! Anyway… hope things work out with you and your 27 year old stepdaughter/fiancee E’Dina Hines.

It’s a reading, it’s a forecast, it’s a book… all for less than the cost of a reading! It’s Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They’re both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!
Astrology For Life On Earth

Haiku: When Cancers Fall For Each Other

The butter’s melted,
We smash each other open
With little hammers.

It’s a reading, it’s a forecast, it’s a book… all for less than the cost of a reading! It’s Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They’re both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

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Follow Friday: The Pop Culture Institute

(For an explanation of the “Follow Friday” concept and the Lemmy Awards, go here, and then come back.)

For today’s Follow Friday: a blog that’s so well written that I have to recommend it to you, even if it means cheating a little on the astrology angle. But just a little.

I invite you all to enjoy the fine words and informative fun of Pop Culture Institute, hand-crafted in the dimly-lit elven workshop of Mr. Michael Sean Morris. You’ve probably heard this sort of thing on the radio or TV at some point in your life… “on this day in 1897 Elvis Brubaker invented the flexible toilet brush” or whatever. Pop Culture Institute is, on the face of it, a collection of such trivia data points.

Of course, any old boring database could provide just that. Pop Culture Institute, on the other hand, is a really well-written and engaging blog. Michael actually knows what’s interesting and what isn’t, and conveys it in a style that draws you in. It’s a little like sitting down over drinks with someone who knows more about these things than you do, but is charming and gracious about it. And, if you’ve ever spent time drinking with someone who knows more than you do about things, you know just how entertaining that can be.

Now, for the astrology: I’ve always found it useful and interesting to find out what happened on a given day in the year relative to a birth chart. If you’ve done much astrological research I particularly recommend typing in your birthday under “Search” and seeing what comes up. For example: I already knew I was born on the anniversary of Human Rights Day… it was also the anniversary of the executions of Thomas Culpeper and Francis Dereham, charged with committing adultery with Henry VIII’s fifth wife.

And on (I swear) a completely unrelated note… my ex-wife was born on the anniversary of the day Lizzie Borden was acquitted of the axe murder of her Dad and stepmother!

Go on, head over to Pop Culture Institute. I think you’ll have a good time.

And I swear, I’m not just saying that because Michael and I are almost kinda related.

It’s a reading, it’s a forecast, it’s a book… all for less than the cost of a reading! It’s Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They’re both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

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Conquer The Universe With Astrology, Book Two – Now Available!

If you’ve ever wanted to get past the basics of Sun Sign Astrology… have I got the book for you!
The second e-book in the “Conquer The Universe With Astrology” series is now available, and if you were intimidated by starting with Book One… “Aspects”… you might actually want to start with Book Two:
Sun And Moon: Yin And Yang, And How You Do Your Thang.
Yes, it really is a simple to use and understand guide to the most essential core concepts of astrology. Yes, it will help expand your understanding of the astrological basics. Yes, it’s informative and entertaining.
And yes… that really is the title.
Click below and I’ll send you the no-obligation details.

It’s a reading, it’s a forecast, it’s a book… all for less than the cost of a reading! It’s Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They’re both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!
Astrology For Life On Earth

Notes From An Astrologer’s Spam Folder

>From:joseph.n.kunstman@cpanel1.znapped.com
>
>Re: Secrets to successful lovemaking
>
>Your meaty magic wand will do all the love magic again!
>http://1c2prof.com.ua/1.html

>pixylighting pacts’ huemeramybows, picking here, pecking there, pussypussy
>Mutt.– Louee, louee! How wooden I not know it, the intel

Dear Mr. Kunstman:
Although you perfectly (and poetically) describe the anatomical and intellectual effects of a Neptune transit to a man’s natal Mars, I should clarify: although transiting Neptune is semi-sextile to my natal Mars, transiting Uranus is trine my natal Mars. Therefore the physiological effects are (if anything) the opposite of what you describe. But I thank you for your concern.

.

.
It’s a reading, it’s a forecast, it’s a book… all for less than the cost of a reading! It’s Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They’re both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

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The Eclipse In Cancer: Forget About Astrology!

I’ll bet you never thought you’d hear me say that. But, bear with me:
You don’t have to be an astrologer to recognize the inherent potential of an eclipse. If you’ve followed astrology even half-heartedly over the years, you know an eclipse is a rare and exciting event both astronomically and personally. The problem is that all too often, your life may not be running smoothly, then you hear about an eclipse… then you get nervous. And admittedly, this eclipse is in Cancer (which has a reputation for fretfulness).
So: take an astrologer’s word for it: to those of you facing difficult times… relax.
The truth is, if you are in a panic about this or that in your life, it isn’t the doing of an eclipse. At most, the eclipse will mark other events based on your individual birth chart and transits. So even if Big Things are about to be triggered in your life by this eclipse, one way or another… the signs are already there, waiting to be uncovered. And there’s no need at all to hide in terror if things haven’t been going well otherwise. This too, as they say, shall pass.
Also: the eclipse isn’t necessarily bad news, at all. Often, it can bring good news. Ask me all about it some time after I come out of my bunker…
It’s a reading, it’s a forecast, it’s a book… all for less than the cost of a reading! It’s Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They’re both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!
Astrology For Life On Earth