Monthly Archives: December 2010

Showtime With Astrologer Maria DeSimone!

Insights, predictions, your questions answered, and all the stuff that makes Astrology both fun and functional.

And of course… free stuff for anyone who writes in. Listen for details!

One more thing? If you call in, we’d love to answer your questions, but try to be more polite than THIS guy, willya?

Astrology For Life On Earth

Conquer The Universe (And The New Year) TONIGHT!

I hope you’re all able to drop by tonight and have a listen to the last “Conquer The Universe With Astrology” for 2010. We’ve all been through a lot in the last year… find out what’s happening in 2011 with my guest Maria DeSimone of We’ll be delving into the future, answering your questions, and generally having a good time. Just like this…

…except with Astrology, instead of cheesy pre-teen moralizing.

NEXT week: Jeff Jawer. Click here to set a reminder… it’s gonna be a good one.

If you haven’t listened in before, here’s what you’ve missed, all available NOW!:

Your 2011 Forecast Part I and Part II!

Beliefnet’s Lynn Hayes!

Astrologer and Love Alchemist Jessica Shepherd!

An hour of Astrology comedy… The Astrological Turkey Shoot!

Author of “Cosmic Karma” Marguerite Manning!

Mayan Astrology with Bruce Scofield!’s very own Christopher Witecki!

And finally: hey, you like free stuff? Write me and get some!
Astrology For Life On Earth

Practical Astrology: How To Seduce A Scorpio Man The Easy Way

If you read the quick and easy guides to the Sun Signs you find at any typical supermarket check-out, you might get the impression that the best and easiest way to get a Scorpio man into the sack is to tell him in detail about your bondage gear, your prehensile tongue, or that drunken experimentation you did with your college room-mate.

Nonsense. Sure, Scorpios like sex, but they are subtle creatures too.

Here’s how to bag that scorpion:

Proceed in the same way you would with anyone else. Let’s say a nice dinner over lobster and wine… or tacos and mini-golf. It doesn’t matter.

The one thing you should do to handle him slightly differently than other guys?

Make sure your bra strap peeks out. Or… if conditions permit… a thong strap. But not both. Preferably this strap should be red, or black, or some girly color. Or maybe a nice floral lace pattern. The point is to subtly draw attention to something that (theoretically) should not be visible.

Don’t make a big deal out of it. Watch his eyes and see how long it takes him to notice this. Of course, if he is locked into making eye contact with you, you probably don’t need my help. The second time you catch him glancing at your peek-a-boo lingerie show, subtly carry on with your conversation as you poke it back into place.

A few minutes later, move your shoulder enough to let it pop out again. Don’t repeat this too many times… two or three times should be more than enough.

The point here is to let him know that you are a woman, and that there is more going on beneath the surface. Something that maybe you’d normally hide, but you are comfortable enough with him that you don’t mind him knowing it. That, and there are only a few millimeters of fabric between him and The Promised Land. And if he plays his cards right, you’ll give him a guided tour.

What you do with him after this is entirely up to you. He’ll think that’s all up to him… but of course, you and I know better.

Practical tips and guidance on lots of subjects… not just sex… on “Conquer The Universe With Astrology,” available for free HERE!

Astrology For Life On Earth

Astro-Mood: December 29th, 2010

Saturn is “exalted” in Libra… which theoretically means it is in the strongest place it can be. Mars is exalted in Capricorn. Strong limitations… and strong impulses. And today, the two are square to each other.

Translation: it’s King Kong vs. Godzilla, and unless you keep calm and think twice before you speak or act today, you’ll be the star of this movie… and you get to play the role of “Downtown Tokyo.”

Hint: they don’t hand out Oscars for that. Watch your performance and dialog with others anyway.

(Listen to my show HERE, and write me HERE for your freebie!)
Astrology For Life On Earth

Astrologers Doing Business In A Manger

(It’s Christmas re-run season, and here’s mine. Check out my show and write me for your freebie! See you all in the new year!)

(Scene: The Nativity. Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar gather around the Christ Child. Mary and Joseph listen intently in the background.)

Balthazar: …my major concern with this birth chart is that it shows potential for conflict with authority figures. You might want to teach him to be a little more respectful of Caesar, just to be careful. At least publicly.

Caspar: Don’t be silly. He’s a revolutionary, and the world needs more of that. This Jupiter/Saturn configuration, though… could be liver trouble.

Melchior: Look at the stare on this kid. He probably has something we haven’t even heard of yet, right on the Ascendant.

Caspar: (chuckling) You and your undiscovered planets, Melchior. Seriously.

Balthazar: I think what we’re trying to say here , Mr. And Mrs… (Looks back and forth at Mary and Joseph, who do not respond, but simply smile as if they know something the astrologers don’t) …um, Carpenter, is that anyone born into this world has to cope with certain inherent limitations. And a birth chart is like a road map to all of life’s obstacles. And emotional issues!

Caspar: And medical problems!

Balthazar: So you see, although it does appear that your boy here is, in fact, some sort of a really special person, the indications are of a shortish life span… like maybe 35 years tops. And it’s going to be a struggle. Like with authority figures.

Caspar: No real signs of wealth here either. And possible death by piercing or blood loss.

Balthazar: So we really recommend relocating the birth chart. You should consider a move to Gaul, or Germania, or something.

Caspar: His relocated chart to Hispania puts Venus on the Ascendant. He’d be a lot more popular with the girls there.

(Balthazar and Caspar turn to Melchior, who has fallen silent, staring at the baby)

Caspar: Melchior, you’ve hardly said a word. By this point you’ve usually told the parents all about the baby’s future marriage and food allergies. What’s the problem?

Melchior: It’s just… the way this kid is looking at me. It’s like… it’s like He Knows Something that we don’t.

(Balthazar and Caspar laugh uproariously)

Balthazar: You’re such a cut-up, Melchior. We’re the Wise Men. We’re astrologers!

(Caspar leans in close to Melchior)

Caspar (whispering): Besides, look around dude. The kid was born with the livestock. Everyone wants to think their baby is the Greatest Thing Ever… but this one is an obvious non-starter.

Balthazar: Sorry folks, we have to move it along here. The Moon’s nearly at the Midheaven, and we have a party to work at Herod’s.

Astrology For Life On Earth

Your 2011 Astrology Forecast Part II, Tonight!

On “Conquer The Universe With Astrology”:

LAST Thursday: we covered the big planetary movements in 2011 and how they’ll affect you by your sign. If you missed it, you can listen HERE now.

TONIGHT: Part Two, where we go over your specifics, month by month!

The companion e-book is still available at  for only five dollars… put it together with tonight’s show and last weeks’ show, and it it’s probably the best value going in astrology today. Hope to see you all there tonight!

Coming in the New Year: Michael Lutin, Jeff Jawer, Dr. Craig from “Millionaire Matchmaker,” and a cast of thousands!

Astrology For Life On Earth

Astro-Mood: December 22, 2010

With the Sun, Mars, Pluto, and North Node all in Capricorn, opposed by Moon in Cancer, things can seem a little flinty and bogged down. But all that Capricorn is ruled by Saturn… which is in Libra.

Solution to your roadblocks? Understanding. Empathy. Partnership. For bonus points… try buying your roadblocks a couple of drinks and sweet-talking them. Your obstacles will yield soon enough.

Oh yeah. Yield, roadblocks, yield. You know I like it when you do that.

Astrology For Life On Earth

Your Free 2011 Astrology Forecast Tonight!

Aries and Libra: Major shifts coming to your love life!
Taurus and Scorpio: Where did all the sex and money go?
Gemini and Sagittarius: Things finally bust loose and go crazy!
Cancer and Capricorn: Your base is shifting. Keep up or get thrown off!
Leo and Aquarius: Unleash the power of your mind to blow up obstacles!
Virgo and Pisces: Wild times with money and sex!

All this and more coming up in 2011… get the advance word on “Conquer The Universe With Astrology: Your 2011 Forecast” tonight at 10 PM Eastern/7 PM Pacific, and available as a podcast shortly afterwards!

The companion e-book is HERE, for only five dollars… and you can use it all year long.
Astrology For Life On Earth

Conquer The Universe: Your 2011 Forecast TONIGHT!

It’s the time of year when everyone is scrambling to pay bills, buy presents, and keep up with obligations to friends and family. One important detail can get lost in all that activity: there’s a whole new year coming up.

TONIGHT: Your 2011 forecast by sign, plus your questions answered! Big stuff happening in the sky next year… make sure you know when to take advantage of good conditions, and be warned when the tough stuff hits.

The companion e-book is HERE, for only five dollars… and you can use it all year long.

Astrology For Life On Earth