Category Archives: cancer

Fun With Cancer! (Another "Conquer The Universe With Astrology" Original Video)

Cancer: how did such a sweet, kind, emotional lot get named after a deadly illness, and get a creepy-crawly thing as its symbol? Probably because no matter what, Cancer was bound to develop a complex over the whole thing anyway. Here’s a video that will lay it all out for the defensive enjoyment of The Crab Folks, and the amusement of everyone else who knows and loves them…

Tomorrow on “Conquer The Universe With Astrology”: Judi Vitale, author of “Lovecasts: The Astrological Guide To Finding Lasting Love” and I will take your questions and fix you up with your soul mate (maybe)!

Astrology For Life On Earth

Astro-Singalong: Mercury In Cancer Drunk Dials The Ex And Leaves A Message

Tricky time never slows 

that moment walked me by without bothering to say–

Lucky time never stops 
that moment knocked me down without bothering to
SAY HELLO

…say hello 
say hello 
say hello…
-Deep Dish, “Say Hello”


Astrology For Life On Earth

Book Excerpt: Sun In Cancer


(The first episode of “Conquer The Universe With Astrology: The Radio Show” begins August 19th! Subcribe to this blog for further details… or find me on Twitter (@MatthewCurrie) or on Facebook! Hope to see you all there!)
Crabs have evolved thick, impenetrable shells as an evolutionary defence against being boiled and served with melted butter. And, like a crab, cancers have evolved their personalities to defend their sweet, tasty insides from invaders.
Cancers have developed a reputation for being oversensitive, which is not surprising when the symbol for their sign is a crawly thing that’s named after a deadly illness. When the ancient Romans had an unwanted child, they would often carry it off into the woods and leave it to die. When you tell most people that, they are horrified. When you tell most Cancers that, they will (on one level or another) relate it to a story from their own childhood, real or imagined. Cancers never forget a slight or an insult. Whereas other signs can usually “get over it,” Cancers tend to file these things away for future reference.
Cancers are sweet, kind, caring and passionate people who often choose to hide it behind a mask of stiff, snarky indifference. Being as caring as they are is not an easy thing in a world full of jerks, thus they often disguise themselves as even bigger jerks than everyone else. You can usually see that sensitivity of theirs if you look deeply into their big sensitive eyes, but don’t be surprised if they smack you one for it. No one is supposed to know these things about them, and by reading this, you’ve probably been quietly added to their Potential Enemies list.


Astrology For Life On Earth

Haiku: When Cancers Fall For Each Other

The butter’s melted,
We smash each other open
With little hammers.

It’s a reading, it’s a forecast, it’s a book… all for less than the cost of a reading! It’s Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They’re both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Astrology For Life On Earth

Classic MTA – Miss Crabtree’s Old-Fashioned Grade Six Schoolmarm Guide To Cancer Compatibility

(Re-runs are a vital part of the television tradition… not welcome, not well-loved, but apparently an important part of the process. In that spirit, here`s my compatibility series again. Don’t worry, the new stuff is coming.)

Hello, children, I’m Miss Crabtree, your Compatibility teacher this semester. We’re going to do things a little differently this year. I’m going to be handing out your grades at the start of the class, based on how easy or difficult it’s going to be for me to get along with you. Stop fidgeting, Leo! You can bring your mark up with hard work. I’m not going to just hand any of you a passing grade. Okay… I just did that with most of you. Spit that gum out, Capricorn! I’m sure I’ll enjoy this experience with all of you though, and so will you. Otherwise, you can take your sass to the Principal’s office.

Scorpio and Pisces: You pay attention in class and work well with me. Scorpio, you have a real tenacity that I appreciate, especially when it comes to me. Excellent note-taking. Watch the frustration with the tougher tests, though. And Pisces, you are just so sweet! Always a joy to have in class. Try to borrow some of Scorpio’s focus though, would you? Your attention is drifting too much. A+

Taurus and Virgo: You’re both solid, determined and reliable. You always get to class on time. Taurus, I really like your affection and sensuality, but your stubborn resistance to learning new material lost you a mark. Try harder. Virgo: nice job of showing all your work on the test papers. But could you please try to look like you’re enjoying being here more than you do? More enthusiasm, please. A

Capricorn: You’re a good solid student. My only problem is that this is Relationship class. Close your History text… I know there’s a test in an hour, but your eyes are supposed to be on me now. Me. Less seriousness, more involvement here please. B+

Leo: Honestly, I don’t understand why you’re here at all. You never focus, you’re always clowning around, and it’s very distracting. Good thing for you we find each other inexplicably adorable. Should I spell “inexplicable” for you? Your spelling is criminally sloppy. B

Gemini: Improvement needed. Your brightness always contributes to the class, but I have this strange insecure feeling you’re always looking out the window at the playground when my back is turned. And sit up straight! And turn off the IPod when I’m talking to you! C+

Sagittarius: You walk in here like you’re the teacher. Well… you aren’t. I am. Quit grinning at me like that! Are you taking this seriously? You’re always fun to have around at recess, though. It’s too bad that “recess” doesn’t count for any of your final mark. C-

Aquarius: Listen, Aquarius. This is an elective course. Quit acting like you’re here because of a court order! You look like you’re taking notes, but with that shiny new laptop of yours, you could just as easily be playing games on there. Have you heard a single thing I’ve said here? C-

Cancer: I’m too defensive? No, you’re too defensive! I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall with you sometimes. What do you mean, “I’m the brick wall?” That does it. Go to the Principal’s office. There’s only room enough here for my crabbiness. D

Aries: Aries? Aries? Has anyone here seen Aries today? Oh, there you are out on the playground. Aries, get in here!! Yes, it’s time for Relationship class. No, you’re watch isn’t right, mine is. It’s not time for PE. What? What did you just call me, you little…? D

Libra: You’re so sweet, and you normally excel at this class. Bringing me the apple was a nice touch. But when I correct you, that’s no excuse for a crying jag that disrupts the entire class. And no I’m not an “insensitive jerk” with you, Libra. Yes, I saw that note you passed Aquarius! You’re normally so good at this class, but I’m not seeing any proof of effort on your part at all. I require effort! F


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Astrology For Life On Earth

THIS JUST IN: A Male Astrologer Finds Jessica Simpson Attractive (Also: Weight-Loss Tips)

I was in the middle of my usual exercise routine (which consists of surfing the Net while lifting a slice of pizza) when I came upon this article about how the “fashionistas” are picking on Jessica Simpson because of her recent weight gain.


(Fashionistas, for the record, are apparently citizens of the country of Fashionistan, where no one is allowed to look at real women, ever.)

Jessica has apparently “ballooned” all the way up to a size twelve, from her size one a few years ago. For those of you unfamiliar with how American dress sizes work, it’s like this: an average healthy adult woman is usually anywhere from a size five to a size sixteen. By way of comparison, if you visit your nearest Chinatown, you’ll probably find a shop where the ducks have been hanging in the window too long, until they’ve become an orange jerky-like substance. Those ducks are a size one.

Just as astrology can be applied to almost everything in life, it can be of tremendous use when trying to lose weight. I’ve never had a client come to me exclusively for help with this, but the matter comes up surprisingly often in consultations. Although the details will be individual to every person, there are a number of astrological guidelines that generally apply.

First of all, forget about your Sun Sign. Although it can be an influence, I’ve seen too many chubby Aries and slim Tauruses and such to know that the Sun Sign should be, if not the last place to look, then low on the list. Unless, of course, you have Leo Rising or Leo on the sixth house cusp, which your Sun would rule.

Your Moon is a much more reliable indicator as to body weight. Even so, one should be cautious of too many generalizations. In other words, if you have Moon in Pisces (for example) you aren’t automatically prone to emotional overeating. Depending on the aspects to your moon, that placement could just as easily lead to emotional under-eating.

A more reliable indicator of weight is the Ascendant: its sign placement, planets aspecting it, and the condition and placement of the planet ruling it. The Ascendant also rules your general appearance, posture, coloring, and a lot of other things people don’t like about themselves that they can’t change.

The most important thing to keep in mind when trying to lose weight with astrology is not so much the birth chart, as the planetary transits happening to it at any given time. Even a perfect diet and exercise routine (if there were such things) could go wrong if you started them at the wrong time.

The best time to start a weight loss routine is when Mars is transiting either the First or Sixth House of your birth chart. The First House starts at your Ascendant, and the Sixth House (which rules diet, health, and routines) is almost on the opposite side of your chart from the First House. Since Mars makes it around the Zodiac in about 18 months, this means that, most of the time, your “diet transits” can last for at least a month and a half. For most people’s purposes, that’s more than enough time to get a new habit ingrained.

Weight loss is also often the surprisingly good side of a Saturn transit. A supportive aspect to the Ascendant and/or Sixth House ruler can be of tremendous help when it comes to applying self discipline, and an aspect to your natal Venus or Jupiter can curb impulsive eating, overeating, or your fondness for snacks.

An astrologer who knows what they’re doing can help you time when to commence a new diet and/or exercise regimen, and can help you understand what factors in your birth chart are helping or hurting the situation.

Perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind is this: On the one hand, the fashion industry has dictated for about the last fifty years or so that “underfed” is a good look. On the other hand, biology has dictated for about the last million years that having a little “excess” weight is an attractive thing. It indicates good health, a plentiful supply of resources, and the means to bear and raise children (in the area of extra boob and bum matter).

And besides, if most straight males are honest with you about it, they’d prefer a woman with a little excess weight over one who’s underweight. Unless of course you’re trying to catch a man who takes all his advice from fashion magazines… in which case, your relationship may have much larger problems than just your dress size…

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Astrology For Life On Earth

Moon In Cancer On The Ascendant: An Interview

“It’s a little Anxious,” he said to himself, “to be a Very Small Animal Entirely Surrounded by Water.”

-Piglet, Winnie The Pooh

(SCENE: The Interview Room. MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER sits behind the desk. There is a knock at the door and it opens just enough for MOON IN CANCER to stick its head in and look around furtively)

MIC: Am I next?

MTA: Yes. Actually, you’re first. Come in.

(MIC enters and hesitantly takes a seat) First? Why’s that?

MTA: Well, you are on my Ascendant.

MIC: (Smiles) Yeah, ask me how that feels sometime.

MTA: Actually that was my first question. How does that feel?

MIC: I… I don’t like it. Not a very safe place to be. I’m not comfortable with it.

MTA: I wouldn’t have guessed that from casual observation. Moon on the Ascendant has a reputation for being personable. Kind of outgoing.

MIC: (Excitedly) That’s a huge scam, actually.

MTA: Really? I would have never guessed that. You seem cheerful and outgoing. You’ve probably had a lot of people suggest you should go into sales or something like that.

MIC: It’s a cover. A huge one. You know… Cancer rules “coverings,” medically speaking… like the sheath around the brain.

MTA: I knew that. I asked you here today to discuss your personal experience, and even this early into it, it’s been very revealing.

MIC: (Checking to see if its fly is done up, nervously) Revealing? How? I don’t like the sound of that.

MTA: It’s interesting. Like, for example, the way you walk. It’s kind of like…

MIC: Like Charlie Chaplin, six months pregnant? I know. I’ve been working on that my entire life. My parents were very critical of that. There were also critical of that nasal whiny five-year-old voice of mine… which again, I’ve struggled hard to overcome.

MTA: Ah, the parents. Bet there are some issues there.

MIC: I’d rather not talk about it.

MTA: But parenting is always an influence, and especially with Moon in Cancer. You mother, for example —

MIC: I said I’d rather not talk about it.

MTA: Okay. Cancer does have a reputation for defensiveness —

MIC: Part of that comes from childhood. I was a huge kid… at times approaching three hundred pounds.

MTA: Wow, that’s… well, you don’t look like that now.

MIC: I know. Four months of nonstop prescription speed and self-deprivation when I was fifteen. Somehow, I think I permanently re-wired my metabolism.

MTA: That’s interesting. Why do you think your weight was like that?

MIC: The classic. Emotional issues. Of course that all stems from my upbringing.

MTA: Which of course you don’t want to talk about.

MIC: Right. I actually have a tremendous memory for things in general, usually. And for emotional slights, real or imagined, most of all. And I’m willing to admit that sometimes they’re imagined. (Looking around to see if anyone else is listening in) Truthfully, it’s caused me a lot of pain over the years. I feel EVERYTHING.

MTA: That sounds terrible. How do you cope with that?

MIC: Through a rich fantasy life… and by empathizing with everyone to the point where their pain trumps mine. And I cry a lot. Sometimes I make myself cry. NEVER with anyone watching though. Movies usually do it. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve watched the last 15 minutes of Magnolia or Kundun? Or Silent Running?

MTA: The 70s sci-fi movie with Bruce Dern? The one with the three little robots?

MIC: Yeah. Works every time. “When I was a kid, I put a note into a bottle, and it had my name and address on it. And then I threw the bottle into the ocean. And I never knew if anyone ever found it…” And then that damned Joan Baez song. Works every time. (sniffling) Excuse me.

It’s a handy trick really… provoking sadness when no one is around. It’s like relieving pressure from a boil. I learned it at a young age.

MTA: I’ll bet that has something to do with —

MIC: I don’t want to talk about it!

(Part of the “Personal Planets” series. Click HERE to collect ’em all!)
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Astrology For Life On Earth

Miss Crabtree’s Old-Fashioned Grade Six Schoolmarm Guide To Cancer Compatibility

Hello, children, I’m Miss Crabtree, your Compatibility teacher this semester. We’re going to do things a little differently this year. I’m going to be handing out your grades at the start of the class, based on how easy or difficult it’s going to be for me to get along with you. Stop fidgeting, Leo! You can bring your mark up with hard work. I’m not going to just hand any of you a passing grade. Okay… I just did that with most of you. Spit that gum out, Capricorn! I’m sure I’ll enjoy this experience with all of you though, and so will you. Otherwise, you can take your sass to the Principal’s office.

Scorpio and Pisces: You pay attention in class and work well with me. Scorpio, you have a real tenacity that I appreciate, especially when it comes to me. Excellent note-taking. Watch the frustration with the tougher tests, though. And Pisces, you are just so sweet! Always a joy to have in class. Try to borrow some of Scorpio’s focus though, would you? Your attention is drifting too much. A+

Taurus and Virgo: You’re both solid, determined and reliable. You always get to class on time. Taurus, I really like your affection and sensuality, but your stubborn resistance to learning new material lost you a mark. Try harder. Virgo: nice job of showing all your work on the test papers. But could you please try to look like you’re enjoying being here more than you do? More enthusiasm, please. A

Capricorn: You’re a good solid student. My only problem is that this is Relationship class. Close your History text… I know there’s a test in an hour, but your eyes are supposed to be on me now. Me. Less seriousness, more involvement here please. B+

Leo: Honestly, I don’t understand why you’re here at all. You never focus, you’re always clowning around, and it’s very distracting. Good thing for you we find each other inexplicably adorable. Should I spell “inexplicable” for you? Your spelling is criminally sloppy. B

Gemini: Improvement needed. Your brightness always contributes to the class, but I have this strange insecure feeling you’re always looking out the window at the playground when my back is turned. And sit up straight! And turn off the IPod when I’m talking to you! C+

Sagittarius: You walk in here like you’re the teacher. Well… you aren’t. I am. Quit grinning at me like that! Are you taking this seriously? You’re always fun to have around at recess, though. It’s too bad that “recess” doesn’t count for any of your final mark. C-

Aquarius: Listen, Aquarius. This is an elective course. Quit acting like you’re here because of a court order! You look like you’re taking notes, but with that shiny new laptop of yours, you could just as easily be playing games on there. Have you heard a single thing I’ve said here? C-

Cancer: I’m too defensive? No, you’re too defensive! I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall with you sometimes. What do you mean, “I’m the brick wall?” That does it. Go to the Principal’s office. There’s only room enough here for my crabbiness. D

Aries: Aries? Aries? Has anyone here seen Aries today? Oh, there you are out on the playground. Aries, get in here!! Yes, it’s time for Relationship class. No, you’re watch isn’t right, mine is. It’s not time for PE. What? What did you just call me, you little…? D

Libra: You’re so sweet, and you normally excel at this class. Bringing me the apple was a nice touch. But when I correct you, that’s no excuse for a crying jag that disrupts the entire class. And no I’m not an “insensitive jerk” with you, Libra. Yes, I saw that note you passed Aquarius! You’re normally so good at this class, but I’m not seeing any proof of effort on your part at all. I require effort! F

Astrology For Life On Earth