Once upon a time Goldilocks went to Speed Dating, sponsored by the National Oat Growers Association… so naturally porridge was involved. She sat down at the big, long table and prepared to receive her potential suitors.
Before anyone else had a chance to sit down, Aries zipped in and filled the chair in front of her. “Hey baby,” Aries said, “try mine first!” Goldilocks tried his porridge. It intrigued her, but the flavor impulsively faded before she could really get into it. So she decided to wait for the next suitor.
Taurus came next. His porridge was smooth and comforting and sensual, and she really liked it. But then Taurus criticized her spoon technique, calling it ungrounded. This miffed Goldilocks to no end, especially when Taurus called her “ungrounded.”
Then Gemini sat down. Gemini’s porridge was full of interesting flavor combinations, any one of which would have been fine on it’s own, but the saffron and marjoram covered up the comfort and warmth she was really seeking.
Cancer offered his bowl next. Goldilocks was intrigued by the depth of feeling Cancer put into his offering. The conversation went well, and Goldilocks suggested they meet again, But Cancer became too defensive and scurried off.
Leo came next. His bowl was hot and shiny and flavorful… as appealing as Cancer’s, but more adventurous. But then Leo started telling her in detail how she was enjoying the wrong flavors, and how she didn’t appreciate his technique, and moved on, flipping his hair as he left.
Virgo sat down and offered his porridge. It was delicious. “Why do you think so?” Virgo asked. Then Virgo asked what basis for comparison Goldilocks had, her experience with porridge, and the exact mileage to her home. Goldilocks felt interrogated and over-analyzed, so she ran out the clock with Virgo by discussing her health issues.
Libra sat down and handed over his porridge. It was smooth and sweet and Pisces really enjoyed it. Then Libra began to question why Goldilocks thought so, and why Goldilocks picked that outfit to wear today, then accused Goldilocks of being evasive when she couldn’t answer the questions adequately.
Scorpio came next and offered his bowl. It was intense and affectionate and exactly what Goldilocks was looking for. Everything was going great until Goldilocks accidentally called Scorpio “Cancer.” Scorpio sat up straight and spent the remainder of his time berating Pisces for being unfaithful, and criticizing Goldilocks’ taste in foot wear.
Sagittarius came next. His porridge was warm and exciting, with an adventurous dash of curry. Once she finished, Goldilocks looked up from her bowl to ask for more, only to discover that Sagittarius had wandered off into the wine tasting next door, and was hitting on an ad executive from Cleveland.
Capricorn sat down and Goldilocks tried his porridge next. It was hearty and filling and good. Goldilocks asked Capricorn if she could see him again. By the time Capricorn finished delineating the cost of his porridge’s ingredients, the time involved to make it, and how his portfolio was performing, Goldilocks had lost interest and felt a little sad.
Aquarius sat down and offered his bowl of porridge. His bowl was interesting and unique, and Goldilocks found it intriguing. Unfortunately, Aquarius didn’t provide a spoon, so Goldilocks was unable to get into it in any real depth. The surface looked interesting, though. They spent the rest of their time staring at each other and then out the window.
Finally, Pisces sat down. Goldilocks was a Pisces too. This naturally started up a long conversation about their childhood dreams, last week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy, and where the best place to get married would be. Unfortunately, when it came to setting up a second date, Pisces was just as scattered as Goldilocks, and nothing came of it.
Goldilocks stared out the window sadly. It had started to rain. Maybe she should just give up on the whole idea of ever finding someone whose porridge gave her the combination of strength, sensitivity, and romance that she was hungry for.
Just as she got up to leave, Aries zipped in and filled the chair in front of her. “Hey baby,” Aries said…